So anyways guys,
What I was going on about - or rather trying to - in the last journal is that I've been thinking about my artwork a LOT. And while I have improved since my beginnings on this site (including my older account that is dead) I kinda have felt like my improvement had slowed since creating THIS account. These past 5 years encountering art block over and over again. Experiencing more anxiety and mental hardships than before. Going periods of not drawing or making people art promises and never delivering, feeling even lower than before for being so irresponsible and feeling like a liar. And just watching much of my initial plans for this place shut down and never come to fruition. Aaaah yes, much disappointment on my part.
I have never really been true to myself when it's come to my art. Never really fully expressed myself in the ways I've always wanted to. And over the years seeing others do it so flawlessy or without hesitations, unlike myself, hit me hard and that's honestly when I began to question my worth and status as an 'artist'. I began to really hate myself and feel fake. And my art began to feel empty and without purpose so... I just didn't want to draw. And I didn't for many times. Like during those times of drawing for others when I'd be fired up and ready to make up for my fallings then half way through just lose all motivation and want to continue, dropping out and going silent again as the emptiness would swarm and flood within me. Never finishing what I started. Never keeping my promises. Disappointing people.
I don't know what it is I want to do with art. Do I want a career? Do I want to make a living off of it? I don't know. Of course I want to make art... but how I don't know.
Wondering if what I currently draw is a waste of time or if I should be working on something else. Feeling like it's about time I find certain things to stick to instead of just drawing whatever. Things like that.
I've always been so scared to show people who I am. Always been so scared to fully express my thoughts or emotions or myself. And I've always hated myself for that. That's why next year I really want to try and do original work and do personal work. To just express myself and not be afraid. Whether the art I make is pretty or ugly or sad - it would be all me and would still be beautiful. Because it's me. I've always been at war with myself about that. And I don't want to be anymore. It's made me unhappy for a lot of my life. Fighting all the time. I'm tired of fighting. I only have this one life and I shouldn't spend it lying to myself and denying myself from the things I am.
And just knowing that I haven't done the best I could have done in these past 5 years. Being aware of your under performing for so long is the most frustrating thing. Spending a lot of your life criticizing and demeaning yourself in everything you do is not easily a habit broken. But I am working to be kinder to myself. But I've noticed that I have not really pushed myself with art ever in my life. I've always played it safe and drew what I knew people would like instead of venturing into unknown territories. And in terms of execution, I haven't made many risks. Never challenged myself. And I figure that's why I haven't improved much in these last few years. I'm not taking enough risks and not trying to do anything new or out of my comfort zone.
I need to do MORE so I can get better. With art style and execution. With my subject matter. With myself. So I can feel like I deserve to be an artist. And so I can be the me I know I can be.
Reading: M.C. Escher book
Watching: Transformers Prime